I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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