i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
