Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
