i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
