Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
