seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
