How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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