Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
