life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
