We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
