im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
