Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just invented taco cereal.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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