If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
