and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
