Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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