I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
