Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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