at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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