I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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