Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
