I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I love having hate sex.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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