Non-Jews are for practice
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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