Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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