i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
