I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
