I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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