I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
