My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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