Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
