The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
