My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
