You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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