'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
