Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
