Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
