my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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