The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sext me about skeletons
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
