Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
