Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real