glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.