dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street