I could make wine with my vomit
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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