What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
