toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
