I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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