Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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