I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
