i need an iv and a liver transplant
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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