I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
