hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
