mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
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she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
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I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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