my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
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IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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