Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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