yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
