Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
