My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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