you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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