How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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